Welcome to the fifth edition of the Star-Dispatch, my forum for humor and writing since hijacking it from Camp Chief Ouray this summer! After the Onion-like satire became a critical and box-office smash in Colorado this summer among campers and staff alike, the staff demanded updates from future adventures, and I’m coming through as promised.
After the camp season at CCO ended, I wasn’t ready to come back. So I didn’t. Instead I convinced a naïve young woman (Miss Laura Van Arsdale of Minnesota, hence the commonly referred to nickname LVA) to let me overrun her life for the next couple of weeks. And sure enough, our navigational skills took us on a round-about tour of six states. We drove a gazillion miles and hiked even more.
And the whole time I was thinking either, “Damn, this is funny!” or “Damn, this is NOT funny right now, but it sure as heck will be when we’re all back home safe and sound!”
“Inside this Edition” gives you a glimpse at what could be if I had more time, while “News in Brief” offers a bit more in depth look at our trip. “Police Blotter” is a humorous glance at our adventures from a different perspective. And finally, “The Feature Story” is one of the highlights of my life, while the “Literary Submission” is a step into a new genre for me. Enjoy.
* * * INSIDE THIS EDITION * * *
Long’s Peak Renamed “Long-est Hike Ever” Peak (page 14,255)
Yellowstone Wildlife Takes Labor Day Weekend Off (page zero)
Jeremy is SOOO Popular, Talking on Two Different Cell Phones at One Time (page 1)
Alpine Campers Pika-Proof Campsite (page 1.5)
White Folk Caught Dancing in Jackson Hole (section salsa, page 5)
Large Mammal Seen Briefly from Car Window (page 9)
Snow and Rain in Forecast for Colorado, but not New Mexico (page I-25)
Jeremy Conscious of Blond Hair in Sante Fe (page 45)
Grand Canyon One Big Hole (page 16, 17)
Zion Park Ranger Laughed at by Old People (page 55+)
Las Vegas Pimp Misidentifies Jeremy as Someone who Usually has to Pay for Sex (page 6)
Despite Las Vegas Shrine, Roy Still Not Dead (page 7,11)
Plans to See California Cancelled after Schwarzenegger Victory (page 23)
Midwest Airlines Declares All of Jeremy’s Worldy Possessions to Weigh 89.7 Pounds (page 8)
* * * NEWS IN BRIEF * * *
PARK OFFICIAL CALLS OBVIOUS PIG “NOT A PIG”
(AP) A volunteer park employee in the Gila Wilderness crossed a significant ethical line, last month, misleading two park guests from the Midwest.
Arthur McDouglas, 67, reportedly told two backpackers that the javelina, a hog-like mammal common to the park, was “more closely related to deer than pigs.” McDouglas proved his argument by claiming that the animal had pointed hooves like a deer.
“Dude, it’s a pig,” rebutted visitor Jeremy Jewett, 23, who did not study pigology, mammology, or zoology in college.
“I don’t care about the damn hooves. Look at the snout, the body, the whiskers, the stubby legs, and the curly tail. Dude, it’s an Easter ham on legs.”
UNOFFICIAL EXPERTS DISCOVER AIGS
By Laura Van Arsdale
ESTES PARK, Colo. – Laura and J, unofficial experts of all things mountainous, have discovered a strange medical condition now referred to as Altitude-Induced Gas Syndrome (AIGS).
As it turns out, certain elevations, usually high but even at some not-so-high heights, create a rotting, gut-wrenching, lung-searing gaseous stench that leaks out of J’s butt. Changes in altitude have been rooted to the cause of this “problem,” after many studies of the patient’s diet. From chocolate intake to GORP ingredients, nothing seems to have the same affect as…altitude.
Warnings are not always in time. Symptoms can come as audible and other times as silent but deadly (SBD). To survive an attack from someone with AIGS, a person should exhale and continue to exhale while evacuating the immediate area as soon as possible. Do not stand down wind or hike behind someone with this condition. Brain injury may result from inhaling this toxin.
SOUTHWESTERN CAMPUSES RECEIVE E-MAIL VIRUS WARNING
(AP) Several college students in three southwestern states receive mysterious e-mail warnings in mid-September describing an impending attack by viruses. Approximately seven students in Texas, New Mexico and California, all former employees of Colorado’s Camp Chief Ouray alerted authorities about the electronic warnings.
According to one affected student at New Mexico State University, Amber Helmus, the e-mail foreshadowed a migrant virus that lived off others, invading and overrunning the hosts’ lives for a short period of time before moving on to the next victim.
“And that’s crap,” Helmus said. Luckily, the virus apparently veered west to Arizona before entering Helmus’s Las Cruses home.
LAURA ACCIDENTIALLY CALLS CHRIS “TIM”
(Reuters International News Service)
FORT COLLINS, Colo. – During a midweek visit to his Fort Collins home, 23-year-old temptress Laura Van Arsdale mistakenly called Chris Miller by the name Tim.
Swearing off the incident as a mindless slip of the tongue, observers have found particular drama in the incident involving a girl, a boy, and another boy.
Jeremy Jewett, who reported the event to gossip news show Entertainment Tonight, found many similarities with epic love stories.
“This episode was really a lot like (Victor Hugo’s character in Les Miserables) Marius calling Eponine by the name of his fiancée Cosette,” Jewett said.
“It’s even vaguely like the Bobbitt love triangle, just missing that dramatic slashing incident.”
J GETS SPITEFUL
By Laura Van Arsdale
SILVER CITY, NM. – After a grueling 60 mile trip through the Gila Wilderness with well over 100 river crossings, backpacker J became a little bitter with two left to go.
As J crossed number 12 out of 14 crossings on Monday, his foot slipped off the large stepping stones which are not very stable and his foot submerged twice. After javelin throwing his trekking poles across to Laura, who balanced very carefully and made it across the river without incident, J glances at Laura’s feet. Noticing that her boots were wet from previous crossings, J said, “Good, just wanted to make sure you got wet, too.”
To understand why this is not necessary, Laura had been slipping, tripping, lunging and falling all week through the river crossings. She had experienced sloshy, soggy feet almost every day, had fallen into the river twice and yet was still not bitter towards J as he delicately maneuvered across most of the crossings dry.
SAMARITANS CREATE OASIS OUT OF DESERT WASTELAND
TAOS, New Mexico - Two good Samaritans helped the Bureau of Land Management defeat decades of drought and human neglect Sept. 20 when they planted 23 trees and seeded .2 acres of barren dirt.
“We long planned on helping out with National Public Lands Day, but I didn’t know we’d be able to single-handedly beat back the New Mexico desert like we did,” said 23-year-old volunteer Laura Van Arsdale.
Van Arsdale, alongside fellow busybody from the Midwest Jeremy Jewett and three other volunteers from the Taos area, worked for approximately 143 minutes to restore non-native vegetation to a desert-like campground. The volunteers also helped BLM personnel plant willow trees in the middle of a dirt road along the Rio Grande River that area teens had long used to discreetly drink beer and countless other unmentionable acts. Punks.
A spokesman for El Nino, the notorious weather pattern haunting the southwest with years of chronic drought, had little to say about the positive achievements toward a greener desert.
“Silly goodie-two-shoes. Those trees won’t last a month under (El Nino’s) withering heat,” the spokesman said.
TRAVEL GUIDES UNAVAILABLE FOR TIM, UTAH
LAS VEGAS, Nev. – While waiting for his flight at McCarran International Airport in Las Vegas, homeward-bound traveler Jeremy Jewett was unable to find a travel guide for his former companion’s next stop while browsing through a bookstore.
“Yeah, I looked all over but couldn’t find anything on Tim, Utah,” Jewett said.
“I’d never heard of any place called Tim before, I don’t know if it’s a city or town or national park. All I know is that Laura was all excited to see California and then Tim out in Utah,” he said.
“Maybe it’s just a small national monument no one knows about. Oh well, I hope she has a good time.
* * * POLICE BLOTTER * * *
Sept. 5, 2003 – GTNP RANGERS SEARCH FOR FERRY SCAM ARTISTS
Grand Teton National Park rangers are searching for two suspicious young people accused of scamming park employees and a guest at the Jenny Lake ferry landing. According to witnesses, the couple talked a fellow backpacker into paying for their ferry fee before fleeing the scene.
Sept. 24, 2003 – SHADY ACTIVITY SPOTTED AT SHADY HOTEL
Two out-of-town youngsters were seen pouring white powder and other suspicious substances into baggies and film canisters at the Belen, NM-area Hub Hotel. Police lost the suspect’s tracks into the Gila Wilderness.
Sept. 30, 2003 – CAMPUS POLICE DENOUNCE NON-STUDENTS
Western New Mexico State University campus officers nearly apprehended two young people seen using campus computers illegally, but the whippersnapers managed to elude the officers. Doggonnit! According to an incident report, the two hell-raisers managed to sneak onto campus, send over 300 e-mails and use precious campus resources before fleeing the campus. Investigation is ongoing.
Oct. 10, 2003 – BABY-FACED KIDS SEEN IN CASINO
Security officers approached two obvious teenagers in a Las Vegas casino, in pursuit of children violating the 21-year-old minimum age established at Nevada gambling establishments. The sketchy couple provided likely fraudulent Wisconsin identification and were released.
* * * FEATURE STORY * * *
MAN, DEER REUNITED
FORT COLLINS, Colo. – One of mankind’s greatest tragedies was remedied Sept. 17 when 23-year-old traveler Jeremy Jewett bought a plastic deer from Jade Creek Book Store in downtown Fort Collins. For the purchase price of three dollars, plus twenty cents tax, Jewett redeemed himself for losing a significant portion of Chuck the Plastic Deer, named one of the Seven Wonders of the World last spring, just before he graduated last May.
“Woooooooooooooo!” Jewett said as he found the mal-appreciated deer while wandering the streets west of Fort Collins aimlessly.” This is the greatest moment of my life!”
Jewett, the long-time owner of the deer and front-runner to win the Nobel Prize because of his efforts with the deer, accidentally lost the detachable head at the Mifflin Street Block Party last spring. Devastated at losing such a precious piece of memorabilia that was engrained into his collegiate experience, Jewett cried until he passed out.
According to witnesses, Jewett was encouraging global peace, harmony and cooperation by pushing “deer bongs,” or the rapid consumption of an entire beer through the deer’s hollow body, to random strangers on the day the head was stolen. No one saw the vandal or vandals run off with the cranium, but Jewett could only blame himself.
Discovering and securing a new deer head for the inscribed body was a difficult three-month process. A summer in the mountains and a random roadtrip were a less-than detailed map that took Jewett to the streets of Fort Collins, but destiny and ordain guidance are the only logical explanations.
“Once we saw how much the deer meant to Jewett, and really the rest of society, we were happy to sell him the deer,” said the owner of Jaded Creek Book Store, Susan Hardgrove.
UW-Madison chancellor John Wiley was particularly excited to welcome the noted deer back to Wisconsin and his campus.
“Chuck the (plastic) Deer is such a welcome addition to our campus. It helps promote goodwill and fellowship, especially between peoples of differing populations,” Wiley said.
And the global community welcomed back an animal that has become much more than a mascot, but a bong, a trophy, a notebook, a costume, a traveling companion, an experiential education prop, a puppet, a cup, and most significantly, a friend to all.
“This cultural collegiate relic is a rare treasure, and it makes the academic community happy that Jewett reunited the body with a head,” said anthropologist and noted social commentator Felix Johnson. “The deer replaced the crumbling Pyramids at Giza on the Wonders list last spring because of how it can make people smile, and we can celebrate now that Chuck is complete again.”
Comedian Will Ferrell visited the “Chuck is Back” celebration in Madison, Wis., last week to help commemorate the deer and its legacy. Ferrell took the first “deer bong” of the plastic lawn ornament’s reunion party.
“It’s so good! When it touches your lips, it’s so good!” Ferrell shouted.