the loser

Last Friday night, I found a purse on the sidewalk in front of my apartment. Being a good Samaritan, I safeguarded the purse and vowed to do my darndest to get it back to whatever unlucky Loser lost it. I opened it up, I had to figure out how to get it back to the losing lady. This is what I found:

The Inventory:

one (1) Couch purse, gray speckled with black infinity signs (dubious authenticity)

one (1) Maryland Class C Provisional Driver’s License (birthdated 1990)

$1.33 in change (4 quarters, 3 dimes, 3 pennies)

$35 in cash (one $20, one $10 and five $1 bills)

one (1) pack Extra Peppermint gum (approximately 2/3rds full)

one (1) Metro Farecard (remaining value $2.55, which means that Loser spent $2.45 on her trip into the city)

one (1) eyeliner pen (blue)

one (1) key (house, if I had a guess)

My only clue was the name on the driver’s license. It’s a unique one, so I punched it into Facebook later that night. Boom, there she was, a student at a local university. Her privacy settings didn’t allow a stranger to send her a message, so instead I friended her, and included in the request a message that I’d found her purse. I offered my telephone number, so she could tell me what she wanted me to do with the purse.

By Sunday, on my return from the Cassique horse ranch, she still hadn’t called. I logged into Facebook. She had accepted my friend request...but hadn’t messaged back! Undeterred, I checked her profile for a telephone number. I called...and got her voicemail. I re-explained the situation and asked her to let me know what I should do.

It’s Thursday, and I’m still waiting to hear back from her...

The story’s best, though, when you interject her recent status updates into the equation:

Friday 5/21/9:19pm “Some ones getting lost tonight”

Sunday 5/23/3:34pm “I am the laziest person ever”

Monday 5/23/7:34pm “I hope the beach is excited to see me as I am it”

Awesome.